Where We Find God
By: Ridley
The first feeling that overcame Sam was a sense of fear. Intense fear. Complete disorientation and helplessness- as if he were in one of those dreams where you’re falling and can’t catch yourself. Only this time, Sam didn’t wake up until he hit bottom.
And then the pain came-rushing over him in a hot agonizing wave. It consumed everything he knew about peace and security like an inferno-leaving only hurt in it’s wake.
He was pretty sure he screamed. A few times. At least he thought it was his own cries he was hearing. The sound of it reverberated against his vocal chords- but it felt odd, as if he was experiencing it from a great distance.
Then someone said his name, and something touched his face. Hope burst forth from the misery and one name sprung to his lips. “Dean,” he breathed, praying his brother would be there. Dean would help him. Dean would get him away from the fire.
“Sam-can you…hear me?”
Sam frowned, feeling more than hearing the difference in the tone of this person’s voice and his brother’s. His eyes remained closed, although flashes of bright light exploded in the darkness he was trapped in. “Come…on…Kansas.”
Finally Sam pried one eye open, although the darkness remained. At first he was afraid he was blind, that whatever beast that had attacked him this time had taken his eyes, but then he realized that it was merely night time.
“Where…”
“You don’t want to know…man.”
The voice was soft and weak and coming from somewhere above Sam. It hit him then as another sudden pain tore through his skull. Jake. He couldn’t stop the whimper of pain that escaped him.
“Come on, Winchester. You’re brother will kick my ass if you die.”
Brother. That was the word that stuck-the one Sam latched on to. He grasped it like a life line, pulling himself back from the edge. Dean. Hold on to Dean, a voice whispered
“Can you hear me, Kansas?”
Sam wondered how in the hell Jake had ended up in a Winchester hunt gone bad. His dad would be pissed that an outsider had gotten involved, but then he heard music and he remembered.
The sound of screeching tires replayed in his mind. He could hear them over the blare of Kryptonite that was pulsing through the speakers near his head. Even through his drugged haze he knew something bad was about to happen. The sound had sent chills over his skin as he felt a sudden fear spike through his bleary senses. After all, self preservation was strong in his family.
Then he had felt the spinning, and then a sensation of falling, before a loud crash had split the air and Sam had felt a jolt like he’d never experienced. Worse than being thrown by a pissed off poltergeist. The force of it sent him slamming into something hard, and then he was dropped to someplace just as unforgiving.
“You…still with me?”
Theteen tried to move, but received an invisible knife through his skull for his trouble. Dean’s name left his lips again-without Sam even thinking about it.
“I’m sorry, dude…he’s not here.” And Jake was sorry. For more than he could say.
Sam turned his head towards the voice just in time to be sick all over the front of Dean’s shirt that he‘d borrowed without asking. Even his own gagging sounded as if it belonged to someone else, the smell making his one open eye water.
“Just try to breathe…man.”
Breathing sounded good-in theory. But breathing meant that Sam had to expand his chest and that was hard considering at the moment there was an elephant sitting on it. Stars burst in front of his closed eyes again and he moaned.
“That’s it…stay awake.”
Sam focused on the one eye he had managed to open before and performed the feat again. This time he could barely make out a wash of red above him. He was pretty sure it was Jake’s hair. Apparently, Sam was in the floorboard, and Jake was still strapped in to the back bucket seat.
“What…happened?”
Jake made a noise-something between a laugh and a choked sob. “Big crash-Kansas. You slept through it all. You‘re a cheap…ass drunk.”
Sam tried once again to move but only managed to ignite the fire once more, and the beast licked at his right shoulder and arm. He bit back the scream that tried to leap from him-years of practice at pushing away pain coming unbidden.
“I don’t think…I’d move if I were you.”
Sam glared at what he thought was Jake’s face. “No…shit.” God, he wished Dean were there.
“You’re fucked up…man.”
That’s comforting to know. At least his brother would have lied to him about the seriousness of his injuries. “Figured…that out on my own.”
Again the half sob/laugh floated from above. “I’ve been better too. I don’t think I was holding this tree up when I left the beach.”
Sam blinked and willed his vision to stop wavering in and out. He could make out limbs jutting through what use to be the back glass of Jeff’s car. Some of them seemed to be branching out from Jake’s torso-but that wasn’t possible. Was it?
“How?”
“Jeff crashed the car…the idiot.”
Sam closed his eyes and tried to remember even getting back in the car with Wilkerson. He’d been planning to walk home-hadn’t he?
“I’m…sorry, by the way.”
When Sam didn’t say anything Jake continued, “I didn’t think you’d react…that way.”
Sam’s head hurt too much to think about what Jake was saying but he did notice that the other boy’s voice was softer-his words slurring. They needed to get out, and if they were in the back seat- who was in the front.
“Can… you move, Jake?”
“Only if someone ends my really bad impersonation of a Christmas ornament.”
Okay. That wasn‘t what he wanted to hear. “Where’s Jeff?”
Jake coughed, and Sam felt something warm and sticky splatter across his face, the coppery scent sadly familiar. “Bastard walked away.”
“He left us?” A panic welled in Sam. They were alone, both crushed in what was left of Wilkerson’s mustang. He could barely lift his head- let alone move. He was trapped.
His breath shortened and quickened. No one knew where Sam was-his only lifeline was over 200 miles away and he couldn‘t get out. He had to get out.
Jake must have picked up on the change, because he answered, “I think he…and Nick went for help. You just…have to ride it out…Kansas.”
Sam didn’t know Jake well enough to know if he was lying or not. He tried to take a breath to control his heart rate. The increased blood flow was causing his head to pound harder, as if his brain was slamming against his skull in rhythm with his pulse. And there was a definite feeling of warmth spreading beneath him. If the coldness seeping into his body and the dizziness were any indication, Sam was pretty sure it was blood-his blood-and he was losing it fast.Jake was right-he was fucked up.
And scared.
He took as deep a breath as his battered torso would allow and let it out slowly. Dean would tell him to calm down. Find out as much information as possible. Knowledge was an advantage. “How long?”
“I don’t know. I think…I just came to-so maybe ten minutes.”
“Where are we?”
“Holly Road-I think. Not too far…” Jake started coughing again, but this time he cried out, and Sam jumped before he could stop himself.
Again pain ripped through the young hunter’s side and flared down his arm, almost sending him to a state of unconsciousness again. Dean! Where was Dean? Dean should have been there with him.Right? He’d stop the pain.
“Kansas?”
“Yeah,” Sam choked-holding panic at bay once more.
“Are you…afraid?”
Sam blinked trying to fight back the tears that sprung to the eye that he could open. Afraid didn’t begin to cover it. He’d been hurt before, but never bad enough that he thought he might not make it. This time though- he wasn’t sure.
“Yeah. I'm scared.”
“I didn’t know…dying would be like this.”
“You’re not…”
“You haven’t seen me.” Jake coughed again. “I’m not making it out of this.”
Sam wasn’t sure what to say.
He’d faced a lot of dead things.
He’d been terrified of losing his father or Dean to Death a few times. If he thought about it- he’d been touched by Death- when his mother was taken. But never once had he thought about his own.
Or how to help someone else face theirs.
He’d been trained to avoid Death at all costs. To fight it tooth and nail. To destroy it.
And now-here it was-sitting in a smashed up car with him. He could feel it’s presence as much as he could feel Jake’s. It was heavy against his skin and there was a smell, a taste-it was waiting.
His head hurt worse, but he swallowed back the pain and willed his upper body to move. Leveraging himself against the floor he was able to lift his enormously heavy head a few inches-enough to see more of Jake.
He felt the bile rise quickly to the back of his throat again. Oh, God.
Jake tried to smile. “Good thing you were too out of it to work your seat belt, dude.”
“I’m…sorry.” Sam was amazed Jake was conscious-that he could carry on a conversation.
“I’m feeling no pain…”Jake sighed. “Must have severed something important…huh?”
Sam closed his eye and let his head fall back to the floorboard. “Please, hurry.” Please find me, Dean.
“You know I sat with my dog Shafer when he died,” Jake whispered. “He had cancer…we had to put him down. One minute he was looking at me with those eyes of his. Eyes I’d seen light up so many times…and then he was just gone. I was still holding him-his body was still warm-but I knew he was gone. He faded away- like smoke.” He took a rattling breath. “You know what I mean, Kansas?”
Sam shivered, the cold taking more of him now. “I think so.”
“It wasn’t scary…it was sad…but, kind of beautiful.”
“Real.” Sam said, understanding enough to know that there were two moments in a person’s life when they couldn’t pretend, when there were no walls or defenses, or when they crumbled-when they took their first breath, and when they faced their last.
“Yeah…it was real.” Jake laughed, sending more blood raining down on Sam.
The hunter closed his eyes as it splattered against his forehead.
“We sound like pussies, Kansas. Pussies coming off a bad trip.”
Sam swallowed hard, and forced himself to look at Jake again. “I won’t tell anyone…if you don’t.”
“That’s good, man. What would your brother think? Us crying like babies because of…a little crash?”
Tears spilled over Sam’s eyes, feeling hot against his cold cheeks. Jake had a fucking tree impaled through his chest and he was thinking about looking tough. “He’d…think you had balls, man. He might even let…you drive his car.”
“No shit?” Jake liked that. “I always wanted a car --babes love the car.”
Sam choked back a sob. Jake wouldn’t ever have a car. Sam might never see his brother again. Please, don’t let me die.
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s fucking cold.”
“I know.” Sam shivered, as if to prove a point. “Help will be here soon.”
“I hope…I hope you make it, Kansas.”
The
car was suddenly quiet, deafeningly so. Sam squeezed his eyes shut, and
tried to will himself to hear Jake’s harsh breathing over his own
pounding heart. But it was gone. He was alone. He felt Death leave and
it took Jake. His friend had faded away- just like smoke.